Recipe

 

Eating it will be later - in fact way later (in total this will take 2-3 days) - but for now, begin thawing the turkey in the refrigerator or in a cooler kept at 38 degrees F.
 

All vegetable stock, salt, brown sugar, peppercorns, allspice berries, and candied ginger should be combined in a large stockpot over medium-high heat and stir occasionally to dissolve solids and bring to a boil and then remove the brine from the heat and cool to room temperature, and refrigerate.
 

Later, but better early on the day or the night before you'd like to eat: combine the brine, water and ice in the 5-gallon bucket. Place the thawed turkey (with innards removed) breast side down in brine and if necessary, weigh down the bird to ensure it is fully immersed, cover, and refrigerate or set in cool area for 8 to 16 hours, turning the bird once half way through brining.

Like always/often you have to preheat the oven now to 500 degrees F and meanwhile remove the bird from brine and rinse inside and out with cold water and discard the brine.

You're almost there, all you have to do now is placing the bird on roasting rack inside a half sheet pan and pat dry with paper towels.

Fry and combine the apple, onion, cinnamon stick, and 1 cup of water in a microwave safe dish and microwave on high for 5 minutes and add steeped aromatics to the turkey's cavity along with the rosemary and sage and tuck the wings underneath the bird and coat the skin liberally with canola oil.

Eventually (yep, it took some time, but you're a good housewife now) roast the turkey on the lowest level of the oven at 500 degrees F for 30 minutes and insert a probe thermometer into the thickest part of the breast and reduce the oven temperature to 350 degrees F and don't forget to set the thermometer alarm (if available) to 161 degrees F (a 14 to 16 pound bird should require a total of 2 to 2 1/2 hours of roasting) and let the turkey rest, loosely covered with foil or a large mixing bowl for 15 minutes before carving.

Due to all the previous labour and stress it looks like you're not able to enjoy the meal while it's ready now, but the recipe for that is just looking at all the happy, really fat, faces of your loved ones around the table and if that's not gonna work, then just hit the punch like there's no tomorrow, but if there's gonna be a tomorrow, don't worry the government is gonna take care of you and a hangover won't change that.